This just in from TOS’s Real Fake News department: As Americans were preparing to ring in the new year on Thursday, the Centers for Disease Control dashed widespread hopes for a return to some semblance of normalcy in 2021, recommending that Americans refrain from making New Year’s resolutions.
After quoting some lines from the Stoic philosopher Seneca, Dr. Anthony Fauci explained, “Unregulated individual goals lead to unregulated individual behavior. Resolutions will cause surges in gym memberships, pottery classes, new businesses, human-to-human interaction, and the like—all unapproved activities.” When Fauci mentioned the need to “stick to public health guidelines in order to lower the baseline,” Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pumped her fist in the air and shouted “drop dat bass line!” She announced on Twitter that she is canceling the spin classes she hosts at a nearby gym and “abandoning my resolution to read the complete works of Milton Keynes.”
“Better days are coming,” said President-elect Joe Biden, “but now we’ve got to put that American resolve to work, resolving not to . . . resolve . . . or to . . . work. C’mon, you know I mean.” Saying that “the American economy is poised to come alive,” his eyes closed and he appeared to sleep for several seconds until an aide rang a small bell.
In a show of solidarity with Fauci, Biden renounced his resolution not to smell Kamala Harris’s hair; the incoming vice president in turn renounced her resolution to become President in 2021. Some experts have said that Biden’s 100-day plan to vaccinate 100 million Americans is technically a resolution, and when questioned, Biden explained that some essential resolutions are OK for some essential personnel. Fauci concurred when asked about his plans for a government takeover of Pfizer and for “getting totally ripped.”
Biden also promised to reconsider dropping his 100-day resolution when his board next convenes to discuss the economy, which, he said, will be about 90 days after he takes office. “In the meantime,” he said, “President Trump must clearly and unambiguously renounce all his resolutions.”
Trump took to Twitter, saying, “JUST SIGNED UP FOR POTTERY CLASSES AT FOUR SEASONS POTTERY STUDIO!!!! 2021 IS GOING 2 B FULL OFF MAGNIFICENT POTS AND VASES!!! I GLAZE THE BEST CROCKERY!!! NOBODY GLAZES BETTER THAN ME!!! EVERYONE AGREES!!!”
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